Jokes Cause Life Is Too Serious.

:-)

What´s the difference between english beer and makin´ love in a canoe?

There´s none both is fuc###g close to water hehehehehehe

Hey - i am allowed to say so - we germans have the best beer in the world (at least that´s what the rest of the world says) :o)

Ok

What did Cinderalla say when she left the photo store?
Someday my prints will come.

Is it bad I laughed so hard?

I have loads and will come in soon

Alright, cool. Glad to have an upbeat thread.

I will give you one of my favorite.

Why was the strawberry late for work?

He was in a traffic jam.

(LA) joke i guess.

I got a great Knock Knock joke,

You start it...

!!!!!!

Knock knock.....

Who's there?

Control freak. Okay, now you say "Control freak who?"

Pizza

Pizza on earth,
good will toward man.

Control freak whooo Oh I get it!

Funny!

What goes 99 clump 99 clump 99 clump?
A centipede with a wooden leg.

Why did Van Gogh become a painter?

Because he didn't have an ear for music.

ba dum bum

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

I am always baroque because I ran out of monet

Q: How did Salvador Dali start his mornings?

A: With a bowl of "Surreal"

These are so good!

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist.

Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week and when I return I expect to see it completed."

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding it were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions. Furious, he called the artist in.

"What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire. "Why that's exactly what you asked for" said the artist smugly. "No, I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts" "And there you have it" said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those f**king Indians'

Three ministers - a Presbyterian, a Methodist, and a Baptist - and their wives were on a cruise.
A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and before long, they were standing before St. Peter.

First came the Presbyterian and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much.
You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."

Then came the Methodist. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much.
You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"

The Baptist turned to his wife and whispered nervously, "This doesn't look good, Fanny."

Who loves penguins?

Me! so here are some penguin jokes coming at ya!

Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.

Daughter: Mum, can I have a penguin for Christmas?
Mother: NO! You’ll have turkey like everyone else

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?

A labracadabrador.

Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.

Edit... Oh I'm sorry everybody, I just saw that Kip said "your good jokes"

Why are penguins considered extremists?

They tend to see all just black or white

What do you get when you cross a penguin and an alligator?
I don’t know, but don’t try to hug it!

huh? Seems like you are talking in code of late, Uther....

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi are fishing in a boat on a lake.
The priest's hook gets caught on a snag sticking out of the water, so he steps out of the boat, walks across the water, and retrieves his hook.
The minister is unconcerned. The rabbi looks at the priest in surprise, but decides to say nothing.
They continue fishing.
A while later, the minister's hook also becomes caught on a snag, so he steps out of the boat, walks across the water, and retrieves his hook. When he returns and settles back into the boat, the priest says nothing, and the rabbi once again is surprised, but decides to remain quiet.
By now the rabbi, recalling the story of Jesus walking on the water, starts to wonder about the strength of the faith of the priest and the minister.
The three continue fishing, and soon, the rabbi's hook also gets caught on the snag.
Deciding that he too, has faith, the rabbi steps out of the boat to retrieve his hook and promptly falls into the water over his head.
The priest looks at the minister and says:
"Do you think we should have told him where the stepping stones were?"

DTST = Danny Thomas Spit Take

Im afraid to laugh at that one Mary lee. And i know a whole lot of those jokes.

But I did not know that one, so, thanks!

Furston Last III had horses. Horses that would not do as they were told.

So Furston called in an expert. The expert looked into Furston's shifty eyes. Furston felt himself above looking into this horse farmer's eyes.
The expert walked up to the lead horse and looked him in his eyes He regarded the horse all over, including the whip marks. The horse looked into the expert's eyes and regarded him up and down. Then the horse noticed that the expert held out his flat hand, and in his palm was an apple. The horse looked up. He saw the expert's eye. Then he saw the expert nod. The horse nodded deeply, then gently took the apple.

Furston said, "See? When I do that he bites my hand." As he was saying this, he hurried behind the steed. He didn't notice when the spot he was looking to put his left foot was a spot just beyond where the lead horse put his right rear hoof.

Furston's face plant was luckly into a steaming pile of earthen toned balls.

"Damn, I hate it when that happens." as the paddock erupted in whinnies. "So, what do you think? Can you show me a couple of your tricks and then I can get these mules trained? "Cuz if not, I'm just gonna have to let them go wild."

"I'm afraid I can't teach you."

"What? Why not?"

"Well the one thing that I have learned from teaching, and this is the very true truth. First thing in teaching a horse is, ya gotta be smarter than the horse."

Thx, Uther....I'm still clueless, but never mind

Marlene, I laughed harder on what you said....(face hurts)

A Danny Thomas Spit Take

It's like making milk come out of somebody's nose.

One of many reputed Soupy Sales jokes that got him thrown off TeeVee.

Soupy in front of a chalk board speaking to White Fang....

"Ok, so you want to learn to read."

"Mrrph" says white fang, his gigantic foreleg and paw is all we see.

"So here's what you need to do first you need to read the alphabet. I'll write the letter and you tell me what it is."

"Rro haRR" White fang's paw gives the thumb's up.

"OK," Soupy writes a big A

"raa"

"Right!" Soupy writes a B

"uRrr"

"Right again!" Soupy writes a C

"Ree"

"You're doin great," Soupy writes a D

"Arree."

"Good!" Soupy writes E.

"Eeer."

"Solid!" Soupy writes an F

"Harr."

"No." Soupy erases then writes an F

"Harr?"

"No!" Soupy again erases then rewrites

"HARR!" White Fang insists.

"NO!" Says soupy. "Now pay attention, try harder." Then he erases and rewrites

"Harr," White Fang whimpers.

Soupy says, "How come every time I write F you see K?"

(Oops, Technical difficulties boys and girls, please stand by!)

What do you call a woman with a gas lamp on her back ?

Anita

what do you call a man with a numberplate on his head ??

Reg

how does his mum shout him for his dinner ??

T reg

what do you call his late deceaced father ??

X reg

Darn you Abbie!

Now I have to tell this joke!

So its a meeting of the Deans at THE prestigious University (Not "A", "THE"!) and the Chancellor is at the head of the table.

Out of nowhere a puff of cloud fluff and Who is standing there But Gawd Almighty! She says to the Chancellor. "I will grant you one of the following: you must choose one. Either unlimited wealth, or unlimited knowledge. Choose!"

The Chancellor looked at the stunned deans back to Gawd Almighty and said "I choose unlimited knowledge!"

A different puff of fluff, this one with a lightening bolt coming out of it that hits the Chancellor right in the temple of knowing! Then Good Gosh is Gone.

The Chancellor looks at were she was. He looks at the Deans, He looks up. He slumps in his chair and puts his head in his hands.

The deans are worried. "What what what is it? What's wrong, what is it you see, what is it that you know?"

The chancellor looks up from his hands his visage newly aged, "What do I know? I should have taken the money!"

Gas lamp on her back....Anita...

I think that one lost something in translation. And we're both speaking English! ;-)

There are 12 people in a bus. 15 leave it. How many have to enter at the next stop so that the bus will be emty ?

or was she stood inbetween two goal posts
oh sorry that would make her Anett lol not anita

maybe should have said with a fire on her back ??

While it may be true that there is no such thing as a stupid question, It should be noted that this doesn't negate the fact that the world is overflowing with inquisitive morons!


(Talking about me, BTW. nobody else in particular. Just me)

Somebody can help me with this, Marlene?

Ok so king Saul and his prophet are walking down the road to a banquet.

Saul is pontificating about how has going impress everybody at this banquet, and people are going to stop talking about this David.

"David David David. It's all I'm hearing anymore is David. Well not tonight, when they hear my plan they'll forget David,. Saul, they'll say. They'll say not that Saul, now he's a King!"

"King schming!" Pisshaws the prophet

"What's That? What does that mean?"

"It's just a saying, " dismissed the prophet.

"Oh." Nodded knowingly was Saul. "Is it an old saying?"

"You're the first king, how old can it be?"

(Joseph Heller, God Knows.)

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

A magician was walking down the street and turned into a bar.

Did you hear about the (_Enter desired target of ridicule here_____) who went bear hunting?

Driving there he saw a sign that said "Bear Left" so he went home.

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, “I am a Father”
The little boy replied, “My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that”.
The priest looked up from his book and answered, “I am the Father of many”.
The boy said, “My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way”.
The priest, getting impatient, said, “I am the Father of hundreds” and went back to reading his book.
The woman in the seat across the aisle leaned over and said,
“Excuse me, but maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar”.

I'm like you, I hate being stuck on a "customer service" line. You know, where they tell you to wait for the next available employee while we're sitting in an economy with 9% unemployment (not now, topical humor is so hard to do). How do you not have enough employees? People could work from home with a computer and a phone and be as useful as those employees that you have! Or rather that you don't have! Worse is when the machine woman tells you that you can solve your problem by going online. as if you hadn't thought of that.

And when you go on line, that's where you find that they are being the most honest with you that they know how to be! Because that's where you find the ubiquitous FAQ. The Frequently Asked Questions, list, where you are supposed to find a question that somehow sounds like yours and then try to understand the gobbledeegook they call an "Answer" to your dumb arsed question that everybody asks.

Not to mention, if everybody asks this question, maybe you ought to make it clear and easy in your business in the first place! If ten people ask you the same question, maybe it's because your instructions are too confusing and your site isn't so user friendly as you claim.

But that's all OK, because the bottom line is that the FAQ is exactly what it sounds like it is. You just aren't reading it right.

It's not an Eph AA Queue It's pronounced Faa Q! Got a question about how we do bidness? FA Q! We're going to do it our way! "What?" FAQ Mr. Jones, Frequently Asked Question. That's what it is, a frequently asked question, so FA Q. "What!?" FAQ, go to the FAQ section and find all of our best answers to all your questions. So you don't have to bother bothering us in Customer Service anymore.

How excited was the gardener about spring? So excited he wet his plants.

Baseball fan drops his tighty whities thus no longer supporting his Jumbo Shrimp!
https://youtu.be/khN9Zry_6vk